New Year, New Habits?

Decisions, decisions, decisions... It seems to be the only thing I think about these days. Choices are hard because you're fully responsible for the outcome it brings. As we get older, we're gonna have to make more choices and maybe even harder ones. Which sucks. We shouldn't be scared though, because I'd like to think that everything happens for a reason. I live by that, and I think everyone should always have something to live by, to stay grounded.

New Year's is just around the corner and you know what that means? More decisions! I'm coming to the end of my high school life next year and I'm not sure what it means to me. Should I stay in the place that I've always stayed for the past 15 years of my life? Or start fresh and move to a place - not so new - that I've also known for the past 15 years of my life? I've always liked my comfort zone and it's hard for me to let people in and out of it.

On the other hand, choices allows you to be much more independent and really show people how mature you can be (psh unless you screw up, which is me most of the time) so we should really take an advantage of it.

This year has gone by so fast, probably because I had a really great time. I wish it didn't end so quickly, though. So many good things happened and some tragic ones as well. But I must say 2010 was one heck of a year. I gave you a second chance and guess what? We're together longer than we've ever been and I'm so proud of that :) Yeah, I guess some people are not looking forward to 2011 (like me) because... I'M TURNING LEGAL (oh and we're getting closer to 2012 but that's not the point). The point is, I want to stay young forever ♥

Anyway, let's all hope that 2011 is going to be double the wicked-ness that 2010 has brought all of us.
xo, Ukibubba

Another Chapter to Close

Guess what? Mocks have ended and I'm back to blogging. My fingers are kinda stiff, haven't opened my Mac in forever. Right now? I'm feeling kind of bittersweet. I've just returned from the Year 11 Residentials to Lido Lakes and this could possibly be my last. It's kinda hard to wrap your head around something that you've had for so long and suddenly it will all just end in a split second. I don't imagine myself anywhere else but here, but at the same time I want change. I demand for it.

I'm pretty much contradicting myself - I've always despite change. So why am I asking for it now? Be careful for what you wish for, right? I've never been so sure of myself when I ask for this. Too many things I just want to leave behind and start anew. Leave all the unanswered questions. I was asked the question that I've been trying so hard to avoid all along, today. Wasn't sure on how to answer and so I ignored it. Just like everything else. I'm scared, A. I don't want to answer because I know what's going to happen.. I just don't want to hear the truth too fast, too soon.

I've been an emotional wreck for the past few days, and it isn't a pre-menstrual thing! I've been bombarded by comments and choices that I have to make in such short notice. It's kinda pulling me apart, but like all things, I'm going to try and see the end of it and come out stronger than ever before. Sometimes, I just wish these choices were made by itself and let me do the following. So this concludes, I'll be in shutdown mode for a while until I put myself together. I'll be back whenever I shall feel like it, just because I can.

Stay in my little comfort zone or adapt to a new life?


That is the question.
xoxo, Suka

Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality

LEO - The Lion

"Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy, but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A leo's problem becomes everyone's problem. Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud.. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found."

30

1) Lion King is my favourite movie.
2) I hate Oprah Winfrey with passion.
3) I am emotionally attached to things. eg, i can't let my gum go in the trash alone, it needs another piece of gum to go along with it.
4) I think that Edward Cullen should die (not Rob Pattinson).
5) I love sexy intense vampire ninja pickles.
6) My ipod is my best friend.
7) I collect clothing tags.
8) I can't really walk in heels. In fact, I detest them sometimes.
9) I'm in love with my bed.
10) I think purple is the best colour.
11) I hate blood, that's why it's on the inside.
12) I want to live in Disneyland.
13) No, i want to live in Neverland.
14) I am a morning person.
15) I don't brush my hair. It makes it all puffy.
16) I hate beige, it reminds me of Simba.
17) I wish i was born with a pointier nose.
18) I share my birthday with my sister (and we're not even twins).
19) Procrastination is my biggest foe.
20) I used to be left handed.
21) I can drink milk out of the carton and not get yelled at.
22) I love idiocy.
23) I like tea parties with 'small talk' that noone remember when they got home.
24) Nail polish can never last more than 2 days on me because I keep chipping them off.
25) Papercuts are one of my major fears.
26) Ants are, too.
27) I was obsessed with my purple beanie until some ass lost it.
28) I contradict myself.
29) I have "phases". All. The. Time.
30) I am metathesiophobic.

Month of Forgivness

Do you now see why I forgive you so easily? I can't stay mad at you for long. It goes against all fibers of my body. You do one thing and you do another thing the next and I let you off. Am I too nice? Too reasonable?
Should I toughen up a little bit?
I'm not what you call, "in control" and I don't want to be. But what if it's for the best? The nice words you say after I scold at you makes me want to run into a cave and melt into a puddle to hide how weak in the knees I am. Maybe that's what attracts me to you? The ability to reassure me with a few syllables. Maybe you're one of the ones that I have to look out for? How would I know you kept your word this time?
Too many questions.


On the other note, today was the last day of Ramadhan which means tomorrow is day one of Idul Fitri. Bring on the ketupat, yeah? May our fasting this month be accepted by Allah SWT. It went by pretty fast this year and I definitely cannot wait for the next one. So, please forgive all my sins. Minal aidin wal faidzin, mohon maaf lahir dan batin. ♡


Till the endless arrays of food,
xo, Ukibubba

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional

Fifteen: Old enough to know, too young to care.

Another birthday, another year older, another wrinkle about to appear. I would kill to go back to the days where my only problem was what scrunchie to use to school the next day. I kinda miss being my care-free self, running around the house with just a t-shirt and my underwear. But those days are long gone and there's nothing I can do to get them back. We're all growing up everyday and so the only direction to go is forward.

I hated the fact that I was turning fifteen. But hey, in two years time there will be a new legal driver along the streets and in a years time, I'll actually be done with school. So I have so much to look forward to and I should stop sulking about the past and be excited for the future - because it's the only thing I've got.

So here's to being fifteen, age is nothing but a number. Thanks to everyone who gave a second of their precious life to wish me a great birthday ♡

Till the candle blows,
Suka, xo.

Shall I Compare Thee

Shall I compare thee to an open sea
Thou art more lovely and more calm
Thinking of a world without thou, it cannot be
For I will be in so much harm.
Thy love is bigger than thou can imagine
But thou cannot see it, thou never will;
That our love is clearly forbidden
And so now it is too late, for I will never fit the bill.
Take me sailing in thy deepest eyes,
To let me see the person deep inside
Far away from the lies,
And put my worries astride.
You are the sea and I am the sun, for we can only stare
And that is only fair.



(English assignment from many years ago.)

When God gives you lemons

Sometimes my biggest wish in life is to wish that I know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing - 92% of the time. It sucks because I do things halfway - I never finish what I started and it's and old habit that I can't kill. I've done this, I've done that.. Name me anything, and I've done it. So what's my deal? These things never go anywhere, that's the deal. A professional pianist? Meh. Perhaps, an artiste? Double meh. A musician? A writer?


I've all left it at a cliffhanger.


I truly do envy those people who know where they're heading in life. Whether it's an office or outdoors. I really wish I knew what I wanted to do. Instead, my brain is mentally spewing out drawings of circles and spirals and triangles, giving out endless arrays of ideas making it even harder for me to settle. It's not because I'm flimsy, it's because I want to keep learning. I want to keep gaining experience. Until my head is fully satisfied. I guess that's just how my mind rolls - and rocks. I have an undecided future, and I'm not scared. In fact, I'm pretty excited. Think about it, I get to keep making mistakes until I finally learn from them. People, can just keep telling me what to rush and make my choices, but let me tell you - it won't be the right one.


So when God gives you lemons, make apple juice, and leave everyone thinking how the fuck you did it.


Till the tea runs out of green,
xo, Ukibubba

I just had to learn it the hard way

I've realised there's nothing I can do to fix these two broken individuals. It's sad to see something that used to be so magical is now just an old abandoned castle. Life isn't a fairytale - never has been, never will be.

The only thing that can save them is themselves.

I can never eat pizzas and fried chicken the same way again

At exactly 12:46 on the Friday 16th of April 2010 my world came tumbling down a little. I received a phone call that I can never get out of my head. My throat closed up, my vision was getting blurry. My head was spinning. There I was, sitting in the studio alone, with my phone stuck to my ear. Yes, the phone call ended, I just didn’t know what to do. Kelly Yap. She was the one who delivered the news to me.

“She passed away this morning.”

Those five words just kept playing in my mind endlessly like a broken record. I couldn’t concentrate. Could hardly walk. I didn’t know what to believe. I had to hold it all in, put up a facade. To think I was the first person to find out…

She was fine. Smiling, laughing and perfectly normal. So why so sudden? My dad always tells me that everything happens for a reason and this is no different. God must have needed her way more than we do. As much as I’d do anything to get you back here.. I keep having flashbacks of you and me, Karyn. It makes me sad. It makes me sad to think that I won’t be able to see your smile bright up the room anymore. I told you all my secrets and you kept them well, you were the first one I go to when I had a problem. You were just my everything. You were small in size, but gave the biggest bear hugs I could ever ask for. Your heart may had problems, but it had no problem for loving the people who cared about you.

I can’t help but to think I’m guilty. I can’t help thinking I didn’t spend enough time with you. I can’t help but to think I took you for granted. You’ve done so much for me, but I don’t think I’ve done enough for you. Your death brought us closer. Stronger, even. You had so much to live for but I don’t need to worry. You’re in a much better place than here, living life to the fullest with no boundaries. I just wish I could see you smile one more time. I’m sorry it took me this long to write it all out. I couldn’t write about you without having to wipe my eyes after every sentence. It took me five days. I’ve used up all my tears, and I realised I shouldn’t be crying anymore. You wouldn’t want us to be sad, you would want us to move on with life. And you know what, I will. But not one of those days will I ever go by without thinking of you.

Rest in peace, Karyn. I love you. Take care of yourself up there, okay?

Happy New Year!

Happy belated new year! Sorry I didn't post it on the night, I was out! Gosh, I haven't updated much, have I? This whole winter break, I've been totally busy. I'm actually doing something with my life right now, which is really satisfying!

With designer, Billy Tjong
Photo Adenry Ocke©

There I was, thinking 7 days away from you might actually take my mind off you. Boy, was I wrong. Instead, I mentioned you in most of the conversations I had with my fellow 19 girlies. Talk about irony, hey? Anyway, why was I away for 7 days? I was quarantined. For that competition I had. I just came back more than a week ago, and I miss it already. At first, I hated the thought of being away from family and friends for a whole week, but I grew to love the experience. It was so hard to let go, I met these girls who would be my friends for life. And some of them live far from where I am! So, I cried my eyes out on the very last day. No phones, the internet.. How was I ever going to survive? But I did! I realised that I didn't need it at all which was scary, because I'm so attatched to my iPhone. Our schedules were totally packed and there was not a minute to even check updates on Twitter. Wow.

"I Gotta Feeling", "Just Dance" and "Celebration" are just ordinary top-of-the-chart songs but as they play on MTV or the radio these days, I get goose bumps. The memory I had; the backstage dance-off, being punished infront of the public at Grand Indonesia by Mas Ari Tulang, karaoeking in the bus, being totally star-strucked by celebrities (well, not me, cos I don't know the local celebs!) is what flashes through my mind as these 3 songs play. Haha, I'm sure most of you still don't know what I'm talking about, but hey, it don't matter, I love sharing things.

I had the time of my life, it's one of those experiences that you'll have for the rest of your life.

May 2010 be the year for all of us. Amiiiiiiin.
Love you xo

PS: How do ya'll like my new hair? I cried like a baby when they chopped it off :'(