The first thing people say at a funeral tends to be "I'm so sorry". Whether or not you know that person well enough, that's always the first thing you say. But how come when two people separate, those three words aren't the words that people use? Isn't it just the same? I haven't just experienced a loss, I've experienced two losses. I've lost the great man and the beautiful woman I once knew. Not to mention my childhood. What's this? All those memories that once did actually exist, is now nothing more than just grains of sand; all bland with the same repetitive shades of beige with the occasional tiny shells that are easily mistaken for rocks. How about the simple expectations of life now gone.. That suspense of waiting for the one person who will love and care with no exceptions.. Whisked away with the traces of my mother's dignity?
They say it's better to be told a lie than to be hurt with the truth.. Quite debatable. To be mistaken that one cannot handle the truth is painful. The trust and judgement you have of that person has now changed forever and no matter how hard you try, words are considered to be one of the things that you cannot take back. Along with time and feelings. Yes, I was hurt when I was told half a truth but as someone who has known me and not to mention, took care of me, for sixteen years, it wouldn't be like me not to give her a break. It may be to protect me or even prevent me from entering depression, I will never really know.
In a way it has also disappointed me because I thought vows were supposed to mean something. When two people love each other, should they not stick up for each other and work through their problems instead of hiding behind them and throwing grenades at each others forts? It's saddening to see thirty-eight years of something that was meant to be so great, ends up to be so horrid. Being around for sixteen years out of that thirty-eight makes me wonder of all the things that has happened before. Was it better? Or worse? So, it's quite normal to think that the reason why things have gone wrong is because of.. Me.
To think that I would have been prepared for the worst, to think I would be better off if it happened.. It didn't fail to give me a big fat slap on the face. I knew it was coming but at the same time I knew it wouldn't. Because out of those two great individuals, you would expect something to work out. A spark. Just.. Anything.
xo
