29.4.10

I can never eat pizzas and fried chicken the same way again

At exactly 12:46 on the Friday 16th of April 2010 my world came tumbling down a little. I received a phone call that I can never get out of my head. My throat closed up, my vision was getting blurry. My head was spinning. There I was, sitting in the studio alone, with my phone stuck to my ear. Yes, the phone call ended, I just didn’t know what to do. Kelly Yap. She was the one who delivered the news to me.


“She passed away this morning.”

Those five words just kept playing in my mind endlessly like a broken record. I couldn’t concentrate. Could hardly walk. I didn’t know what to believe. I had to hold it all in, put up a facade. To think I was the first person to find out…

She was fine. Smiling, laughing and perfectly normal. So why so sudden? My dad always tells me that everything happens for a reason and this is no different. God must have needed her way more than we do. As much as I’d do anything to get you back here.. I keep having flashbacks of you and me, Karyn. It makes me sad. It makes me sad to think that I won’t be able to see your smile bright up the room anymore. I told you all my secrets and you kept them well, you were the first one I go to when I had a problem. You were just my everything. You were small in size, but gave the biggest bear hugs I could ever ask for. Your heart may had problems, but it had no problem for loving the people who cared about you.

I can’t help but to think I’m guilty. I can’t help thinking I didn’t spend enough time with you. I can’t help but to think I took you for granted. You’ve done so much for me, but I don’t think I’ve done enough for you. Your death brought us closer. Stronger, even. You had so much to live for but I don’t need to worry. You’re in a much better place than here, living life to the fullest with no boundaries. I just wish I could see you smile one more time. I’m sorry it took me this long to write it all out. I couldn’t write about you without having to wipe my eyes after every sentence. It took me five days. I’ve used up all my tears, and I realised I shouldn’t be crying anymore. You wouldn’t want us to be sad, you would want us to move on with life. And you know what, I will. But not one of those days will I ever go by without thinking of you.

Rest in peace, Karyn. I love you. Take care of yourself up there, okay?


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