I want to be able to fully appreciate people. To realise their greatness before they're gone. It's a tendency I do to most people and leaves me scarred afterwards. How can I do it? Unfortunately, no one seems to know the answer. If I could go back in time and tell my naive self, I'll tell her, "Stop it. Let go - you'll never know what you're going to miss."
It makes it worse, knowing that I knew all along that he was going to go soon, yet I still have these clouded judgements about him. I didn't let the better of me see the better of him. It's safe to say I regret a lot of things, down to the very last second we saw each other possibly for the last time. The situation in itself didn't prove to me how much I'll miss him, in that case I don't know what will.
I wished the realisation would've hit me earlier; to prepare myself for the worst. Instead, I took everything for granted and did not think much of it, typical of myself. All the times when I didn't bother to pick up his calls, made him run around in circles, and just caused him pain in general.. I wish nothing more than to take it all back. The decision I made to cut him off for a while was hard. I didn't want to, but it truly was the only way to get over it. Hanging on to something that doesn't exist doesn't help anybody and the way to avoid that is not to give in too easily. My feelings tend to get the better of me but all I need to do is just turn it off. Stop listening to your heart and start following your head.
So, if I start acting cold.. It's only because I have to. Not because I want to. Dear Blogger, I'm going to disappear for a while.
xo, Suka
