"But no room for doubt?"
"Oh plenty, on every floor. Doubt is useful, it keeps faith a living thing. After all, you cannot know the strength of your faith until it is tested."
This, I got from watching the movie Life of Pi, based on the book of the same title. The movie, and the book, dealt with sensitive 'issues' that clings on to me. Particularly religion and the element of the unreasonable in it.
From my outburst of curiosity, over our usual normal dinner, I asked my dad: "If you weren't born into a Muslim family, would you have still been a Muslim?" After a long pause he replied with, "That's a good question." He then mentioned how if he were born as, say, a Christian, he would have some temptation to understand the other religion. And he would do the same as a Muslim. He then goes on to say, "We are taught not to keep a closed mind on other religions... But to answer your question, yes, I think I would still have been a Muslim either way." Somehow, a part of my subconscious mind just refuses to believe that at first glance, especially after watching that movie, which then of course led me to blurt out another question.
"Do you ever have any doubt?"
His reply was an immediate and stern "No."
This slightly took me off guard. Maybe it's just me being the naive 17-year old girl that I am, I just found it difficult to comprehend the fact that one could be so sure of something that has so much doubt.
Anyway, the dinner fell silent after that. But towards the end, it was my dad's turn to ask me the questions. "So what is your doubt in Islam?"I should've just lied, I should've just said I didn't have any doubt but in what universe am I able to lie? (Unfortunately, none.) So I said, "Oh you know, I have doubt for it as a whole." Idiot. Of course, my dad wasn't too happy with my answer and he struggled to keep his face from showing any emotion. He then came up with rational reasons as to why there shouldn't be any doubt. "Do you think that trees just appear out of the ground?", "Who do you think created us, human beings?"
Life of Pi taught me that faith can very much be unreasonable and even the most credible thing or someone can be doubted. That nothing in life should ever be an absolute because if that's the case, where's the fun in that? I'm not about to bash my dad's beliefs, I respect him and he is the most credible person I know but I just kind of wish that he understands that he hasn't given me much to think for my own. I dove head first into this pool without learning how to float.
Without doubt, I would have just followed blind faith. I would have just taken religion as it is. Instead, I question it everyday. As of now, my dad thinks I've got a major problem.. For having doubt. Surely I'm not the bad guy here, I can't be blamed for having an overly critical mind.. Can I?
S
21.12.12
30.11.12
Smth a little more personal
You could be so sure about your feelings at one point but strangely enough, it can quickly turn against you.
A year ago I thought I had this unconditional love for someone. Unconditional. That's a strong word. And a strong kind of love. Only now do I realize by giving him that satisfaction, that he can be the only one to break it. And abuse it.
To say that you love someone is always a big statement. Because along the way, things happen. Shit happens. They do things that will break you. Break you to the point that you start to doubt the love you have for them. And the breaking of the trust usually follows straight after.
I'm not saying I'll never give my love away again and I know that not everyone I meet will do the same. But let's just say I'm not going to open my heart out so easily. I've got walls - great beige ugly walls - around it and all I want is just for someone to tear it down, because I won't. Because then, I'll know he won't take me for granted.
asdfghjkl whatevs. I ask for too muchmost of the time sometimes.
I realise that this is all a bit lebay, as one one would say in Indonesian, but I had the need to get it out there in the form of this unknown blog. Because... Lebay can be good. It creates good romantic novels, movies (and also the tackiest sinetron but let's just leave that bit out). Ok, irrelevant! Mocks has screwed my mind over, leaving me in an unstable, emotional psyche...
Till my recovery,
S
A year ago I thought I had this unconditional love for someone. Unconditional. That's a strong word. And a strong kind of love. Only now do I realize by giving him that satisfaction, that he can be the only one to break it. And abuse it.
To say that you love someone is always a big statement. Because along the way, things happen. Shit happens. They do things that will break you. Break you to the point that you start to doubt the love you have for them. And the breaking of the trust usually follows straight after.
I'm not saying I'll never give my love away again and I know that not everyone I meet will do the same. But let's just say I'm not going to open my heart out so easily. I've got walls - great beige ugly walls - around it and all I want is just for someone to tear it down, because I won't. Because then, I'll know he won't take me for granted.
asdfghjkl whatevs. I ask for too much
I realise that this is all a bit lebay, as one one would say in Indonesian, but I had the need to get it out there in the form of this unknown blog. Because... Lebay can be good. It creates good romantic novels, movies (and also the tackiest sinetron but let's just leave that bit out). Ok, irrelevant! Mocks has screwed my mind over, leaving me in an unstable, emotional psyche...
Till my recovery,
S
3.9.12
26.8.12
Some feelings are just better kept to yourself
That horrible feeling when you fall for someone you really shouldn't.
It's like a pang of sourness runs through you and it tastes good, yet you want it to stop because the taste is actually quite unbearable.
Nothing's wrong with him but everything is wrong about the timing. And everyone knows timing is everything.
It's like a pang of sourness runs through you and it tastes good, yet you want it to stop because the taste is actually quite unbearable.
Nothing's wrong with him but everything is wrong about the timing. And everyone knows timing is everything.
2.8.12
Feeling poetic today
They say when you cry in the shower, you can't tell the difference between the water and your tears. It's not all true because, as the tears flow down your face, you can feel it's prickle of warmth contrast against the barely cold water; you can taste the saltiness at the corners of your mouth.
Crying in the shower is just an excuse to face the inevitable.
Crying in the shower is just an excuse to face the inevitable.
13.6.12
Not a political ramble
There are many things you can control - what you'll have for lunch, what movie to watch on a Friday afternoon, what shirt to wear with what pants and plenty more. However, there are a lot of other things that you can't control. For example, where you were born.
To be born or brought up in your country comes with unwritten rules of the duties you have to serve. Some do it with passion and some don't even bother. To some, they don't see it much of an obligation with the excuse that, no one had the choice of where they were born.
This is all too true. I experience this first hand. I am much too comfortable in doing absolutely nothing for my country. People always say I don't give much credit to my country, but why should I? What has my nation ever done that was so significantly worthy of my attention? Absolutely nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I love the uniqueness and the diversity of my country, Indonesia. But there's only so much good food and beautiful culture that can hide this nation's flaws. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is fully aware of the fragile situation Indonesia is in and it's been the same for years. People just choose to ignore things they don't want to hear or see. 'Ignorance is bliss' and it really is. We believe that we're better off not knowing because we secretly hope it will all go away by itself. But the reality isn't like that. It starts off small, by seeing a small child coming up to your car window, begging for money. It has become so common that it has integrated into your everyday life and seeing that would not affect you in any way at all. The bigger picture here is that, how are we able to live in a place where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer? Then, we get stuck in the daily, long hours of traffic and pot holes as big as a tire goes by unnoticed. We'll never be able to see perfectly smoothed out roads, despite the billions of Rupiah there actually are. We then realise why the highly-anticipated monorail project was never completed..
There are all these talks but no action - what good does this do? Fluffing the image of the country seems more of an important thing to do rather than to work on the substance. We have leaders that are not even bothered to cover up their blatant acts - what does this tell us? That we're not supposed to be ashamed of our vile doings? If that's everyone's way of thinking, then all hope surely is lost. Indonesia is unable to move on and is forever stuck in limbo, falling behind.
To an extent, I am ashamed of where I come from. It gets so bad that one day, I would actually have to raise my child in this sad excuse of a country? Hell, it doesn't even have protection for its own inhabitants. Would Indonesia even still be standing by then? Here, destruction is occurring much faster than the actual 'healing'. Nevermind, there is no healing. To them, there is no future. Everything is in the short term for them and as long as it makes money, there's nothing stopping them.
Lady Gaga announced last February that she was to perform a concert right in the heart of Jakarta. A week ago, news spread that she got cancelled. Why? Because she was too sexy. "She intended to destroy the nation's morality," according to the Islamic Defenders Front. So, in other words, she is going to 'corrupt' people's minds. I'm sorry, what? A world class artist, not to mention who won six Grammy awards and fifteen nominations - only in the span of four years, is going to 'corrupt' our minds? What about our President, who has been doing nothing but that for the last eight years he has been elected? They were so quick to judge an outsider, with no actual proof, but they dismiss the flat-out fact that its happening right in their own backyard. Gaga isn't teaching anyone "to worship the devil" - Gaga is an artist. An artist is capable of doing anything they please, knowing the consequences that come with it. She is just simply expressing her views and nothing more. Everything is just so contradictory.. Maybe their minds are the corrupted ones. Please.. They should worry about themselves before they impose absurd theories onto others.
It continues on.. Indonesia ranks 140th on the list of "How Islamic are Islamic Countries?" Now, if I were the President, Minister, whatever - I'd be the slightest bit concerned because.. For a country that is predominantly Muslim, why are we ranked so low? The survey was not based purely on numbers but also the attitudes of the people. The number of Muslim people does not matter when the things that the people do are not even considered to be even close to Islamic. Knowing this, why are they not even bothered to right the wrongs? To a country that promotes teachings of Islam everyday, surely they would want to do something about it. It's like an empty promise - you say it, but you don't really mean it.
That's what Indonesia is to me: an empty promise.
I said earlier that I wasn't fully proud of where I come from, and these are all the reasons why. When I can't even celebrate the day of independence with the slightest smile on my face, then you should probably know why. Everyone keeps telling me to give some respect to my country but I don't see why I should. I wish I could though, maybe then I can have a sense of belonging.
To be born or brought up in your country comes with unwritten rules of the duties you have to serve. Some do it with passion and some don't even bother. To some, they don't see it much of an obligation with the excuse that, no one had the choice of where they were born.
This is all too true. I experience this first hand. I am much too comfortable in doing absolutely nothing for my country. People always say I don't give much credit to my country, but why should I? What has my nation ever done that was so significantly worthy of my attention? Absolutely nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I love the uniqueness and the diversity of my country, Indonesia. But there's only so much good food and beautiful culture that can hide this nation's flaws. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is fully aware of the fragile situation Indonesia is in and it's been the same for years. People just choose to ignore things they don't want to hear or see. 'Ignorance is bliss' and it really is. We believe that we're better off not knowing because we secretly hope it will all go away by itself. But the reality isn't like that. It starts off small, by seeing a small child coming up to your car window, begging for money. It has become so common that it has integrated into your everyday life and seeing that would not affect you in any way at all. The bigger picture here is that, how are we able to live in a place where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer? Then, we get stuck in the daily, long hours of traffic and pot holes as big as a tire goes by unnoticed. We'll never be able to see perfectly smoothed out roads, despite the billions of Rupiah there actually are. We then realise why the highly-anticipated monorail project was never completed..
There are all these talks but no action - what good does this do? Fluffing the image of the country seems more of an important thing to do rather than to work on the substance. We have leaders that are not even bothered to cover up their blatant acts - what does this tell us? That we're not supposed to be ashamed of our vile doings? If that's everyone's way of thinking, then all hope surely is lost. Indonesia is unable to move on and is forever stuck in limbo, falling behind.
To an extent, I am ashamed of where I come from. It gets so bad that one day, I would actually have to raise my child in this sad excuse of a country? Hell, it doesn't even have protection for its own inhabitants. Would Indonesia even still be standing by then? Here, destruction is occurring much faster than the actual 'healing'. Nevermind, there is no healing. To them, there is no future. Everything is in the short term for them and as long as it makes money, there's nothing stopping them.
Lady Gaga announced last February that she was to perform a concert right in the heart of Jakarta. A week ago, news spread that she got cancelled. Why? Because she was too sexy. "She intended to destroy the nation's morality," according to the Islamic Defenders Front. So, in other words, she is going to 'corrupt' people's minds. I'm sorry, what? A world class artist, not to mention who won six Grammy awards and fifteen nominations - only in the span of four years, is going to 'corrupt' our minds? What about our President, who has been doing nothing but that for the last eight years he has been elected? They were so quick to judge an outsider, with no actual proof, but they dismiss the flat-out fact that its happening right in their own backyard. Gaga isn't teaching anyone "to worship the devil" - Gaga is an artist. An artist is capable of doing anything they please, knowing the consequences that come with it. She is just simply expressing her views and nothing more. Everything is just so contradictory.. Maybe their minds are the corrupted ones. Please.. They should worry about themselves before they impose absurd theories onto others.
It continues on.. Indonesia ranks 140th on the list of "How Islamic are Islamic Countries?" Now, if I were the President, Minister, whatever - I'd be the slightest bit concerned because.. For a country that is predominantly Muslim, why are we ranked so low? The survey was not based purely on numbers but also the attitudes of the people. The number of Muslim people does not matter when the things that the people do are not even considered to be even close to Islamic. Knowing this, why are they not even bothered to right the wrongs? To a country that promotes teachings of Islam everyday, surely they would want to do something about it. It's like an empty promise - you say it, but you don't really mean it.
That's what Indonesia is to me: an empty promise.
I said earlier that I wasn't fully proud of where I come from, and these are all the reasons why. When I can't even celebrate the day of independence with the slightest smile on my face, then you should probably know why. Everyone keeps telling me to give some respect to my country but I don't see why I should. I wish I could though, maybe then I can have a sense of belonging.
20.5.12
Counting mistakes
I watched a movie called The Vow today as a result of a recommendation from my friend. It's your average chick flick but with a lot of life lessons integrated in it. I must admit, I expected something light-hearted just to pass the time. Instead, it left me stunned on how good the movie actually was to me.
And in the first time in a long time, this movie made me cry.
For a while now, I have kind of forced myself not to think about everything except for school work (of course..) but this movie opened up the wounds that I was trying so hard to heal. Nevertheless, I still loved it.
Spoiler alert! In the movie - the main character, Paige - ran away from home after finding out of his father's affair with her best friend. She was also appalled knowing that her mother didn't leave her husband because of it. Paige then confronted her about it and her mother's argument follows, "I chose to stay with him for all the things he has done right and not to leave him for the one thing he had done wrong."Our past might define us and maybe so will our choices. As human beings, that we all are (hopefully), we find it so much easier to count the wrongs no matter how many rights there are. People just can't be judged purely on their mistakes. Which brings me to the next quote from the film:
"When you truly care for someone, their mistakes never change your feelings because it's the mind that gets angry but the heart still cares."
This quote my fellow bloggers, has summed up my life (so far) perfectly. I might have just become a broken record going on and on about a certain someone but no matter how hard I try to shake it out, it's always going to be there. One thing I don't want is for it to haunt me forever and with the pace I'm going, I'm not doing so well. I guess this is the perfect time to use that popular saying, "love is blind". Whether it's family or a significant other, your judgement of that person is going to be forever biased. You can never see the flaw in them simply because you have created this perfect version of that person. To see something as small as a papercut for an imperfection is unacceptable and so our hearts believe in the imagination that we have fabricated to block out what's real and replace it with what's not. And when that person does a wrong, you'll always find a way to forgive them because they are that important not to lose.
Not just about mistakes, but everything else, shouldn't be a reason for anyone to drive away. Whether it's someone's past or even secrets.. If you truly cared, it shouldn't make anyone run for the hills. In my case, I've cared for so long that anything shocking to hear isn't going to push me away. And that person should've known better - should've known my reaction or unreaction, I shall say. Despite what's happened, I would still expect much more from this person. I guess my expectations was higher than it should be. But with this fact, I know I can finally put this where it belongs - my past.
Anyhoo, what's a movie review without a little personal experience? In the end, *Spoiler alert again!* Paige doesn't get her memory back after the car crash and her husband, Leo is forced to accept the fact that his wife cannot recall the memories they had together. But look at it this way: he can put it behind him and make new ones. The Vow just taught me the simple message on how to live. Live a little. It doesn't matter about how many mistakes you've done because in the end, who's counting them?
And in the first time in a long time, this movie made me cry.
For a while now, I have kind of forced myself not to think about everything except for school work (of course..) but this movie opened up the wounds that I was trying so hard to heal. Nevertheless, I still loved it.
Spoiler alert! In the movie - the main character, Paige - ran away from home after finding out of his father's affair with her best friend. She was also appalled knowing that her mother didn't leave her husband because of it. Paige then confronted her about it and her mother's argument follows, "I chose to stay with him for all the things he has done right and not to leave him for the one thing he had done wrong."Our past might define us and maybe so will our choices. As human beings, that we all are (hopefully), we find it so much easier to count the wrongs no matter how many rights there are. People just can't be judged purely on their mistakes. Which brings me to the next quote from the film:
"When you truly care for someone, their mistakes never change your feelings because it's the mind that gets angry but the heart still cares."
This quote my fellow bloggers, has summed up my life (so far) perfectly. I might have just become a broken record going on and on about a certain someone but no matter how hard I try to shake it out, it's always going to be there. One thing I don't want is for it to haunt me forever and with the pace I'm going, I'm not doing so well. I guess this is the perfect time to use that popular saying, "love is blind". Whether it's family or a significant other, your judgement of that person is going to be forever biased. You can never see the flaw in them simply because you have created this perfect version of that person. To see something as small as a papercut for an imperfection is unacceptable and so our hearts believe in the imagination that we have fabricated to block out what's real and replace it with what's not. And when that person does a wrong, you'll always find a way to forgive them because they are that important not to lose.
Not just about mistakes, but everything else, shouldn't be a reason for anyone to drive away. Whether it's someone's past or even secrets.. If you truly cared, it shouldn't make anyone run for the hills. In my case, I've cared for so long that anything shocking to hear isn't going to push me away. And that person should've known better - should've known my reaction or unreaction, I shall say. Despite what's happened, I would still expect much more from this person. I guess my expectations was higher than it should be. But with this fact, I know I can finally put this where it belongs - my past.
Anyhoo, what's a movie review without a little personal experience? In the end, *Spoiler alert again!* Paige doesn't get her memory back after the car crash and her husband, Leo is forced to accept the fact that his wife cannot recall the memories they had together. But look at it this way: he can put it behind him and make new ones. The Vow just taught me the simple message on how to live. Live a little. It doesn't matter about how many mistakes you've done because in the end, who's counting them?
18.3.12
15.3.12
Undestanding you, Suka
People like you are rare. You are a unique and creative person who tends to march to the beat of your own drummer. Private, quiet, and socially cautious, only friends who know you very well may ever see your more playful and expressive side. In fact, it takes awhile for you to feel comfortable with new people so you may often be described as somewhat reserved. But inside, you are a person of great feeling and care deeply for the people and causes that are dear to your heart. Your personal values are most important to you so you always try to make choices that you feel good about. You are rarely willing to compromise on anything that is really important to you. You can sometimes become overwhelmed by the intensity of your emotions, and your relationships need to be free of conflict or tension for you to remain in them.
You are also a highly imaginative person and may enjoy expressing yourself through the arts. But since you are also somewhat of a perfectionist, you may have trouble hearing constructive criticism without taking it personally. You are quick to understand the deeper meaning of things, and often have a fresh or original take on events and people. Since you prefer by nature to act spontaneously, you resist too many rules or too much structure. And you may also have trouble staying organized or making decisions. At heart, you are a non-conformist and must find the path that is really right for you, even if it means striking out alone.
10.3.12
Old habits die hard
"List a few words that describe you."
Give me a maths equation, give me a science question and I'll do it regardless of the fact of my hatred for those subjects. But give me a typical university application question and I'm out of here. What is it that I find so difficult just to find a few words to describe what I am? Sounds like I don't know who I am, which is more or less true. Committed? Please, the only thing I'm committed to is to be committed to nothing. Sociable, competitive, artistic? Sounds better, but not quite there.
Tolerant. This is the word.
I asked my dad whether or not being tolerant is a good thing. He says that "it's good to an extent but when you start going out of your way for people, is when you should pull away and revise the situation." After this has been said, I realise that a lot of the things I do is for others. It's something I shouldn't be very proud of because then, when do I start to do things for me? Putting other people's needs/wants in front of mine feels like my nature.. Or to put it in a negative sense; an obsessive compulsive disorder. With nature, it's not something that you can easily change, which feels the same as this habit of mine. How much of this will affect my choices in the future? I know that if I don't let go of this, it will surely make an impact one way or another.
Is it too late for a new year's resolution?
xo,
Suka
Give me a maths equation, give me a science question and I'll do it regardless of the fact of my hatred for those subjects. But give me a typical university application question and I'm out of here. What is it that I find so difficult just to find a few words to describe what I am? Sounds like I don't know who I am, which is more or less true. Committed? Please, the only thing I'm committed to is to be committed to nothing. Sociable, competitive, artistic? Sounds better, but not quite there.
Tolerant. This is the word.
I asked my dad whether or not being tolerant is a good thing. He says that "it's good to an extent but when you start going out of your way for people, is when you should pull away and revise the situation." After this has been said, I realise that a lot of the things I do is for others. It's something I shouldn't be very proud of because then, when do I start to do things for me? Putting other people's needs/wants in front of mine feels like my nature.. Or to put it in a negative sense; an obsessive compulsive disorder. With nature, it's not something that you can easily change, which feels the same as this habit of mine. How much of this will affect my choices in the future? I know that if I don't let go of this, it will surely make an impact one way or another.
Is it too late for a new year's resolution?
xo,
Suka
10.2.12
Je suis desolée
The first thing people say at a funeral tends to be "I'm so sorry". Whether or not you know that person well enough, that's always the first thing you say. But how come when two people separate, those three words aren't the words that people use? Isn't it just the same? I haven't just experienced a loss, I've experienced two losses. I've lost the great man and the beautiful woman I once knew. Not to mention my childhood. What's this? All those memories that once did actually exist, is now nothing more than just grains of sand; all bland with the same repetitive shades of beige with the occasional tiny shells that are easily mistaken for rocks. How about the simple expectations of life now gone.. That suspense of waiting for the one person who will love and care with no exceptions.. Whisked away with the traces of my mother's dignity?
They say it's better to be told a lie than to be hurt with the truth.. Quite debatable. To be mistaken that one cannot handle the truth is painful. The trust and judgement you have of that person has now changed forever and no matter how hard you try, words are considered to be one of the things that you cannot take back. Along with time and feelings. Yes, I was hurt when I was told half a truth but as someone who has known me and not to mention, took care of me, for sixteen years, it wouldn't be like me not to give her a break. It may be to protect me or even prevent me from entering depression, I will never really know.
In a way it has also disappointed me because I thought vows were supposed to mean something. When two people love each other, should they not stick up for each other and work through their problems instead of hiding behind them and throwing grenades at each others forts? It's saddening to see thirty-eight years of something that was meant to be so great, ends up to be so horrid. Being around for sixteen years out of that thirty-eight makes me wonder of all the things that has happened before. Was it better? Or worse? So, it's quite normal to think that the reason why things have gone wrong is because of.. Me.
To think that I would have been prepared for the worst, to think I would be better off if it happened.. It didn't fail to give me a big fat slap on the face. I knew it was coming but at the same time I knew it wouldn't. Because out of those two great individuals, you would expect something to work out. A spark. Just.. Anything.
xo
They say it's better to be told a lie than to be hurt with the truth.. Quite debatable. To be mistaken that one cannot handle the truth is painful. The trust and judgement you have of that person has now changed forever and no matter how hard you try, words are considered to be one of the things that you cannot take back. Along with time and feelings. Yes, I was hurt when I was told half a truth but as someone who has known me and not to mention, took care of me, for sixteen years, it wouldn't be like me not to give her a break. It may be to protect me or even prevent me from entering depression, I will never really know.
In a way it has also disappointed me because I thought vows were supposed to mean something. When two people love each other, should they not stick up for each other and work through their problems instead of hiding behind them and throwing grenades at each others forts? It's saddening to see thirty-eight years of something that was meant to be so great, ends up to be so horrid. Being around for sixteen years out of that thirty-eight makes me wonder of all the things that has happened before. Was it better? Or worse? So, it's quite normal to think that the reason why things have gone wrong is because of.. Me.
To think that I would have been prepared for the worst, to think I would be better off if it happened.. It didn't fail to give me a big fat slap on the face. I knew it was coming but at the same time I knew it wouldn't. Because out of those two great individuals, you would expect something to work out. A spark. Just.. Anything.
xo
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