7.10.13
21.7.13
4 am pondering
A few months ago, two of my friends that have never met before were acquainted. Location: Jakarta Fashion Week. Friend A brought her boyfriend and I brought Friend B. After they have been introduced to one another, Friend A says to me discretely, "Is he your boyfriend?" I laughed like it is the most absurd thing in the world and replied back to her, "No, he's gay."
It wasn't over then. I had to explain the situation to Friend A. There were a lot of 'y'knows' and sentences ending with question marks - like trying to describe to a Ugoslavian how to cook some poached eggs. In the end Friend A understood, but still left the room winking at me as a gesture to make a move on Friend B.
To me, who understands both of their situations, it was frustrating. To Friend A I must've looked like I was making up some massive lie to hide the fact that Friend B is my boyfriend, by using the oh no he's actually gay card. I'm not in 4th grade anymore, I can admit to whoever my boyfriend is. And to Friend B, it's not easy to come out in a country that's so conservative. I thought out of all people, Friend A would've understood better. Friend A is a model. The fashion industry is practically coated with gay men. I guess the problem here is that Friend A understood, but she did not accept.
Recently, a few days back, Friend A and I crossed paths while I was with another group of friends. Including Friend B. I went across the room to converse and she says, "Oh didn't I meet him [Friend B] during Fashion Week?" and I replied with a simple, "Yup." She could've stopped there but she added, "The one that's not normal right?"
What I should've done was paused and questioned what she meant by 'not normal'. Grill her, perhaps, as to what she thinks is 'normal'. But instead, I laughed it off. Maybe it was because of the noise in the room that I couldn't hear exactly what she said but only did I realise after, maybe it was my slow processing of the Indonesian language, maybe maybe maybe.. But really, there's no excuses for what I did.
What is normal? I'm not even going to go into any depth with that to prevent myself writing another Theory of Knowledge Essay. But surely, being gay has nothing to do with being normal. There is no correlation between that, I think. Friend B is capable of things that straight people can do. Why is he not normal? He passed IB with, I must admit, a very good result and he's going off to university doing what he loves.
Now that I think of it, if Friend A thinks like this, how many of her friends thinks the same way? And how many of their friends think the same way? It's a vicious cycle, really. And to think I could've stopped that cycle if only I had just said what I felt. I guess I was too concerned on what she would think of me if I stood up for Friend B.
Forever tolerating and pleasing,
S
It wasn't over then. I had to explain the situation to Friend A. There were a lot of 'y'knows' and sentences ending with question marks - like trying to describe to a Ugoslavian how to cook some poached eggs. In the end Friend A understood, but still left the room winking at me as a gesture to make a move on Friend B.
To me, who understands both of their situations, it was frustrating. To Friend A I must've looked like I was making up some massive lie to hide the fact that Friend B is my boyfriend, by using the oh no he's actually gay card. I'm not in 4th grade anymore, I can admit to whoever my boyfriend is. And to Friend B, it's not easy to come out in a country that's so conservative. I thought out of all people, Friend A would've understood better. Friend A is a model. The fashion industry is practically coated with gay men. I guess the problem here is that Friend A understood, but she did not accept.
Recently, a few days back, Friend A and I crossed paths while I was with another group of friends. Including Friend B. I went across the room to converse and she says, "Oh didn't I meet him [Friend B] during Fashion Week?" and I replied with a simple, "Yup." She could've stopped there but she added, "The one that's not normal right?"
What I should've done was paused and questioned what she meant by 'not normal'. Grill her, perhaps, as to what she thinks is 'normal'. But instead, I laughed it off. Maybe it was because of the noise in the room that I couldn't hear exactly what she said but only did I realise after, maybe it was my slow processing of the Indonesian language, maybe maybe maybe.. But really, there's no excuses for what I did.
What is normal? I'm not even going to go into any depth with that to prevent myself writing another Theory of Knowledge Essay. But surely, being gay has nothing to do with being normal. There is no correlation between that, I think. Friend B is capable of things that straight people can do. Why is he not normal? He passed IB with, I must admit, a very good result and he's going off to university doing what he loves.
Now that I think of it, if Friend A thinks like this, how many of her friends thinks the same way? And how many of their friends think the same way? It's a vicious cycle, really. And to think I could've stopped that cycle if only I had just said what I felt. I guess I was too concerned on what she would think of me if I stood up for Friend B.
Forever tolerating and pleasing,
S
21.12.12
"Faith is a house with many rooms."
"But no room for doubt?"
"Oh plenty, on every floor. Doubt is useful, it keeps faith a living thing. After all, you cannot know the strength of your faith until it is tested."
This, I got from watching the movie Life of Pi, based on the book of the same title. The movie, and the book, dealt with sensitive 'issues' that clings on to me. Particularly religion and the element of the unreasonable in it.
From my outburst of curiosity, over our usual normal dinner, I asked my dad: "If you weren't born into a Muslim family, would you have still been a Muslim?" After a long pause he replied with, "That's a good question." He then mentioned how if he were born as, say, a Christian, he would have some temptation to understand the other religion. And he would do the same as a Muslim. He then goes on to say, "We are taught not to keep a closed mind on other religions... But to answer your question, yes, I think I would still have been a Muslim either way." Somehow, a part of my subconscious mind just refuses to believe that at first glance, especially after watching that movie, which then of course led me to blurt out another question.
"Do you ever have any doubt?"
His reply was an immediate and stern "No."
This slightly took me off guard. Maybe it's just me being the naive 17-year old girl that I am, I just found it difficult to comprehend the fact that one could be so sure of something that has so much doubt.
Anyway, the dinner fell silent after that. But towards the end, it was my dad's turn to ask me the questions. "So what is your doubt in Islam?"I should've just lied, I should've just said I didn't have any doubt but in what universe am I able to lie? (Unfortunately, none.) So I said, "Oh you know, I have doubt for it as a whole." Idiot. Of course, my dad wasn't too happy with my answer and he struggled to keep his face from showing any emotion. He then came up with rational reasons as to why there shouldn't be any doubt. "Do you think that trees just appear out of the ground?", "Who do you think created us, human beings?"
Life of Pi taught me that faith can very much be unreasonable and even the most credible thing or someone can be doubted. That nothing in life should ever be an absolute because if that's the case, where's the fun in that? I'm not about to bash my dad's beliefs, I respect him and he is the most credible person I know but I just kind of wish that he understands that he hasn't given me much to think for my own. I dove head first into this pool without learning how to float.
Without doubt, I would have just followed blind faith. I would have just taken religion as it is. Instead, I question it everyday. As of now, my dad thinks I've got a major problem.. For having doubt. Surely I'm not the bad guy here, I can't be blamed for having an overly critical mind.. Can I?
S
"Oh plenty, on every floor. Doubt is useful, it keeps faith a living thing. After all, you cannot know the strength of your faith until it is tested."
This, I got from watching the movie Life of Pi, based on the book of the same title. The movie, and the book, dealt with sensitive 'issues' that clings on to me. Particularly religion and the element of the unreasonable in it.
From my outburst of curiosity, over our usual normal dinner, I asked my dad: "If you weren't born into a Muslim family, would you have still been a Muslim?" After a long pause he replied with, "That's a good question." He then mentioned how if he were born as, say, a Christian, he would have some temptation to understand the other religion. And he would do the same as a Muslim. He then goes on to say, "We are taught not to keep a closed mind on other religions... But to answer your question, yes, I think I would still have been a Muslim either way." Somehow, a part of my subconscious mind just refuses to believe that at first glance, especially after watching that movie, which then of course led me to blurt out another question.
"Do you ever have any doubt?"
His reply was an immediate and stern "No."
This slightly took me off guard. Maybe it's just me being the naive 17-year old girl that I am, I just found it difficult to comprehend the fact that one could be so sure of something that has so much doubt.
Anyway, the dinner fell silent after that. But towards the end, it was my dad's turn to ask me the questions. "So what is your doubt in Islam?"I should've just lied, I should've just said I didn't have any doubt but in what universe am I able to lie? (Unfortunately, none.) So I said, "Oh you know, I have doubt for it as a whole." Idiot. Of course, my dad wasn't too happy with my answer and he struggled to keep his face from showing any emotion. He then came up with rational reasons as to why there shouldn't be any doubt. "Do you think that trees just appear out of the ground?", "Who do you think created us, human beings?"
Life of Pi taught me that faith can very much be unreasonable and even the most credible thing or someone can be doubted. That nothing in life should ever be an absolute because if that's the case, where's the fun in that? I'm not about to bash my dad's beliefs, I respect him and he is the most credible person I know but I just kind of wish that he understands that he hasn't given me much to think for my own. I dove head first into this pool without learning how to float.
Without doubt, I would have just followed blind faith. I would have just taken religion as it is. Instead, I question it everyday. As of now, my dad thinks I've got a major problem.. For having doubt. Surely I'm not the bad guy here, I can't be blamed for having an overly critical mind.. Can I?
S
30.11.12
Smth a little more personal
You could be so sure about your feelings at one point but strangely enough, it can quickly turn against you.
A year ago I thought I had this unconditional love for someone. Unconditional. That's a strong word. And a strong kind of love. Only now do I realize by giving him that satisfaction, that he can be the only one to break it. And abuse it.
To say that you love someone is always a big statement. Because along the way, things happen. Shit happens. They do things that will break you. Break you to the point that you start to doubt the love you have for them. And the breaking of the trust usually follows straight after.
I'm not saying I'll never give my love away again and I know that not everyone I meet will do the same. But let's just say I'm not going to open my heart out so easily. I've got walls - great beige ugly walls - around it and all I want is just for someone to tear it down, because I won't. Because then, I'll know he won't take me for granted.
asdfghjkl whatevs. I ask for too muchmost of the time sometimes.
I realise that this is all a bit lebay, as one one would say in Indonesian, but I had the need to get it out there in the form of this unknown blog. Because... Lebay can be good. It creates good romantic novels, movies (and also the tackiest sinetron but let's just leave that bit out). Ok, irrelevant! Mocks has screwed my mind over, leaving me in an unstable, emotional psyche...
Till my recovery,
S
A year ago I thought I had this unconditional love for someone. Unconditional. That's a strong word. And a strong kind of love. Only now do I realize by giving him that satisfaction, that he can be the only one to break it. And abuse it.
To say that you love someone is always a big statement. Because along the way, things happen. Shit happens. They do things that will break you. Break you to the point that you start to doubt the love you have for them. And the breaking of the trust usually follows straight after.
I'm not saying I'll never give my love away again and I know that not everyone I meet will do the same. But let's just say I'm not going to open my heart out so easily. I've got walls - great beige ugly walls - around it and all I want is just for someone to tear it down, because I won't. Because then, I'll know he won't take me for granted.
asdfghjkl whatevs. I ask for too much
I realise that this is all a bit lebay, as one one would say in Indonesian, but I had the need to get it out there in the form of this unknown blog. Because... Lebay can be good. It creates good romantic novels, movies (and also the tackiest sinetron but let's just leave that bit out). Ok, irrelevant! Mocks has screwed my mind over, leaving me in an unstable, emotional psyche...
Till my recovery,
S
3.9.12
26.8.12
Some feelings are just better kept to yourself
That horrible feeling when you fall for someone you really shouldn't.
It's like a pang of sourness runs through you and it tastes good, yet you want it to stop because the taste is actually quite unbearable.
Nothing's wrong with him but everything is wrong about the timing. And everyone knows timing is everything.
It's like a pang of sourness runs through you and it tastes good, yet you want it to stop because the taste is actually quite unbearable.
Nothing's wrong with him but everything is wrong about the timing. And everyone knows timing is everything.
2.8.12
Feeling poetic today
They say when you cry in the shower, you can't tell the difference between the water and your tears. It's not all true because, as the tears flow down your face, you can feel it's prickle of warmth contrast against the barely cold water; you can taste the saltiness at the corners of your mouth.
Crying in the shower is just an excuse to face the inevitable.
Crying in the shower is just an excuse to face the inevitable.
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