Inconsolable

I want to be able to fully appreciate people. To realise their greatness before they're gone. It's a tendency I do to most people and leaves me scarred afterwards. How can I do it? Unfortunately, no one seems to know the answer. If I could go back in time and tell my naive self, I'll tell her, "Stop it. Let go - you'll never know what you're going to miss."

It makes it worse, knowing that I knew all along that he was going to go soon, yet I still have these clouded judgements about him. I didn't let the better of me see the better of him. It's safe to say I regret a lot of things, down to the very last second we saw each other possibly for the last time. The situation in itself didn't prove to me how much I'll miss him, in that case I don't know what will.

I wished the realisation would've hit me earlier; to prepare myself for the worst. Instead, I took everything for granted and did not think much of it, typical of myself. All the times when I didn't bother to pick up his calls, made him run around in circles, and just caused him pain in general.. I wish nothing more than to take it all back. The decision I made to cut him off for a while was hard. I didn't want to, but it truly was the only way to get over it. Hanging on to something that doesn't exist doesn't help anybody and the way to avoid that is not to give in too easily. My feelings tend to get the better of me but all I need to do is just turn it off. Stop listening to your heart and start following your head.

So, if I start acting cold.. It's only because I have to. Not because I want to. Dear Blogger, I'm going to disappear for a while.

xo, Suka

#thoughts

There is simply nothing worse
Than knowing how it ends

Folie à Deux

"I don't know whether to listen to my heart or my mind."
"What does your heart say?"
"It's telling me to be greedy and keep you."
"And your mind?"
"It says I have to let you go because it's the right thing to do."

We've been put under life's ultimate test and we're struggling to keep up. Things are changing and we've lost the flow. We both knew what doomed us ahead but neither of us wanted to talk about it. Because, talking about it only makes it real.

And reality does not look so pretty at the moment.

It's going to be tough. We'll be starting up different lives and who am I kidding? I won't have time for you and you won't have time for me. As much as you deny that, the truth hurts. Apart from the truth, seeing you hurts me. It hurts me because I know that that is one less day of our time together. September may be a long, long way away but time flies so fast when you're enjoying it. Why is life pushing us farther apart when we're just getting closer? The only reason I can think of is that life stops for no one and is not fair to anyone either. Everything happens for a reason.


What am I supposed to do, when the best part of me was you?
Till I can eat chocolate again,
Suka, xo

Half truths are all lies

Sometimes I tell people "I'm fine" and they don't believe me. Why not?

ANSWER: Approximately 20% of your ability to communicate is verbal, leaving about 80% as non-verbal. Non-verbal communication includes tone of voice as wellas facial and body signals. When our verbal and non-verbal signs do not match, most people will respond to the non-verbal. So when you lie, most people can see it.

Believe it or not, an average person tells 4 lies a day or 1460 a year; a total of 87,600 by the ago of 60. And the most common lie is: "I'm fine".

It sucks that people can see right through your facade just by saying those two wrong words. Why do we do that to ourselves? Lie through our teeth even though you're already caught bluffing? I'm guessing it's a reassuring thing to do for most of us - when we say things are fine when it isn't, it will be fine.

I guess we can't really fool the people we love, simply because they pay attention to us and we pay attention to them. No matter how much you really want to push people away, no one really wants to deal on their own. They're only looking out for you. Sometimes, it's just so much better to open up and tell them how you really are - there really is no use misleading them. Someday somehow, we'll look back at all the times we were asked if we're okay and regret ever saying "I'm fine."

Till the end of GCSE's,
xo, Suka

I'll be back

New Year, New Habits?

Decisions, decisions, decisions... It seems to be the only thing I think about these days. Choices are hard because you're fully responsible for the outcome it brings. As we get older, we're gonna have to make more choices and maybe even harder ones. Which sucks. We shouldn't be scared though, because I'd like to think that everything happens for a reason. I live by that, and I think everyone should always have something to live by, to stay grounded.

New Year's is just around the corner and you know what that means? More decisions! I'm coming to the end of my high school life next year and I'm not sure what it means to me. Should I stay in the place that I've always stayed for the past 15 years of my life? Or start fresh and move to a place - not so new - that I've also known for the past 15 years of my life? I've always liked my comfort zone and it's hard for me to let people in and out of it.

On the other hand, choices allows you to be much more independent and really show people how mature you can be (psh unless you screw up, which is me most of the time) so we should really take an advantage of it.

This year has gone by so fast, probably because I had a really great time. I wish it didn't end so quickly, though. So many good things happened and some tragic ones as well. But I must say 2010 was one heck of a year. I gave you a second chance and guess what? We're together longer than we've ever been and I'm so proud of that :) Yeah, I guess some people are not looking forward to 2011 (like me) because... I'M TURNING LEGAL (oh and we're getting closer to 2012 but that's not the point). The point is, I want to stay young forever ♥

Anyway, let's all hope that 2011 is going to be double the wicked-ness that 2010 has brought all of us.
xo, Ukibubba

Another Chapter to Close

Guess what? Mocks have ended and I'm back to blogging. My fingers are kinda stiff, haven't opened my Mac in forever. Right now? I'm feeling kind of bittersweet. I've just returned from the Year 11 Residentials to Lido Lakes and this could possibly be my last. It's kinda hard to wrap your head around something that you've had for so long and suddenly it will all just end in a split second. I don't imagine myself anywhere else but here, but at the same time I want change. I demand for it.

I'm pretty much contradicting myself - I've always despite change. So why am I asking for it now? Be careful for what you wish for, right? I've never been so sure of myself when I ask for this. Too many things I just want to leave behind and start anew. Leave all the unanswered questions. I was asked the question that I've been trying so hard to avoid all along, today. Wasn't sure on how to answer and so I ignored it. Just like everything else. I'm scared, A. I don't want to answer because I know what's going to happen.. I just don't want to hear the truth too fast, too soon.

I've been an emotional wreck for the past few days, and it isn't a pre-menstrual thing! I've been bombarded by comments and choices that I have to make in such short notice. It's kinda pulling me apart, but like all things, I'm going to try and see the end of it and come out stronger than ever before. Sometimes, I just wish these choices were made by itself and let me do the following. So this concludes, I'll be in shutdown mode for a while until I put myself together. I'll be back whenever I shall feel like it, just because I can.

Stay in my little comfort zone or adapt to a new life?


That is the question.
xoxo, Suka