Undestanding you, Suka

People like you are rare. You are a unique and creative person who tends to march to the beat of your own drummer. Private, quiet, and socially cautious, only friends who know you very well may ever see your more playful and expressive side. In fact, it takes awhile for you to feel comfortable with new people so you may often be described as somewhat reserved. But inside, you are a person of great feeling and care deeply for the people and causes that are dear to your heart. Your personal values are most important to you so you always try to make choices that you feel good about. You are rarely willing to compromise on anything that is really important to you. You can sometimes become overwhelmed by the intensity of your emotions, and your relationships need to be free of conflict or tension for you to remain in them.

You are also a highly imaginative person and may enjoy expressing yourself through the arts. But since you are also somewhat of a perfectionist, you may have trouble hearing constructive criticism without taking it personally. You are quick to understand the deeper meaning of things, and often have a fresh or original take on events and people. Since you prefer by nature to act spontaneously, you resist too many rules or too much structure. And you may also have trouble staying organized or making decisions. At heart, you are a non-conformist and must find the path that is really right for you, even if it means striking out alone.

Old habits die hard

"List a few words that describe you."

Give me a maths equation, give me a science question and I'll do it regardless of the fact of my hatred for those subjects. But give me a typical university application question and I'm out of here. What is it that I find so difficult just to find a few words to describe what I am? Sounds like I don't know who I am, which is more or less true. Committed? Please, the only thing I'm committed to is to be committed to nothing. Sociable, competitive, artistic? Sounds better, but not quite there.

Tolerant. This is the word.

I asked my dad whether or not being tolerant is a good thing. He says that "it's good to an extent but when you start going out of your way for people, is when you should pull away and revise the situation." After this has been said, I realise that a lot of the things I do is for others. It's something I shouldn't be very proud of because then, when do I start to do things for me? Putting other people's needs/wants in front of mine feels like my nature.. Or to put it in a negative sense; an obsessive compulsive disorder. With nature, it's not something that you can easily change, which feels the same as this habit of mine. How much of this will affect my choices in the future? I know that if I don't let go of this, it will surely make an impact one way or another.

Is it too late for a new year's resolution?

xo,
Suka

Je suis desolée

The first thing people say at a funeral tends to be "I'm so sorry". Whether or not you know that person well enough, that's always the first thing you say. But how come when two people separate, those three words aren't the words that people use? Isn't it just the same? I haven't just experienced a loss, I've experienced two losses. I've lost the great man and the beautiful woman I once knew. Not to mention my childhood. What's this? All those memories that once did actually exist, is now nothing more than just grains of sand; all bland with the same repetitive shades of beige with the occasional tiny shells that are easily mistaken for rocks. How about the simple expectations of life now gone.. That suspense of waiting for the one person who will love and care with no exceptions.. Whisked away with the traces of my mother's dignity?

They say it's better to be told a lie than to be hurt with the truth.. Quite debatable. To be mistaken that one cannot handle the truth is painful. The trust and judgement you have of that person has now changed forever and no matter how hard you try, words are considered to be one of the things that you cannot take back. Along with time and feelings. Yes, I was hurt when I was told half a truth but as someone who has known me and not to mention, took care of me, for sixteen years, it wouldn't be like me not to give her a break. It may be to protect me or even prevent me from entering depression, I will never really know.

In a way it has also disappointed me because I thought vows were supposed to mean something. When two people love each other, should they not stick up for each other and work through their problems instead of hiding behind them and throwing grenades at each others forts? It's saddening to see thirty-eight years of something that was meant to be so great, ends up to be so horrid. Being around for sixteen years out of that thirty-eight makes me wonder of all the things that has happened before. Was it better? Or worse? So, it's quite normal to think that the reason why things have gone wrong is because of.. Me.

To think that I would have been prepared for the worst, to think I would be better off if it happened.. It didn't fail to give me a big fat slap on the face. I knew it was coming but at the same time I knew it wouldn't. Because out of those two great individuals, you would expect something to work out. A spark. Just.. Anything.


xo

The Pin Cushion Queen

But she knows she has a curse on her,
a curse she cannot win.
For if someone gets
too close to her,

the pins stick farther in.

Inconsolable

I want to be able to fully appreciate people. To realise their greatness before they're gone. It's a tendency I do to most people and leaves me scarred afterwards. How can I do it? Unfortunately, no one seems to know the answer. If I could go back in time and tell my naive self, I'll tell her, "Stop it. Let go - you'll never know what you're going to miss."

It makes it worse, knowing that I knew all along that he was going to go soon, yet I still have these clouded judgements about him. I didn't let the better of me see the better of him. It's safe to say I regret a lot of things, down to the very last second we saw each other possibly for the last time. The situation in itself didn't prove to me how much I'll miss him, in that case I don't know what will.

I wished the realisation would've hit me earlier; to prepare myself for the worst. Instead, I took everything for granted and did not think much of it, typical of myself. All the times when I didn't bother to pick up his calls, made him run around in circles, and just caused him pain in general.. I wish nothing more than to take it all back. The decision I made to cut him off for a while was hard. I didn't want to, but it truly was the only way to get over it. Hanging on to something that doesn't exist doesn't help anybody and the way to avoid that is not to give in too easily. My feelings tend to get the better of me but all I need to do is just turn it off. Stop listening to your heart and start following your head.

So, if I start acting cold.. It's only because I have to. Not because I want to. Dear Blogger, I'm going to disappear for a while.

xo, Suka

#thoughts

There is simply nothing worse
Than knowing how it ends

Folie à Deux

"I don't know whether to listen to my heart or my mind."
"What does your heart say?"
"It's telling me to be greedy and keep you."
"And your mind?"
"It says I have to let you go because it's the right thing to do."

We've been put under life's ultimate test and we're struggling to keep up. Things are changing and we've lost the flow. We both knew what doomed us ahead but neither of us wanted to talk about it. Because, talking about it only makes it real.

And reality does not look so pretty at the moment.

It's going to be tough. We'll be starting up different lives and who am I kidding? I won't have time for you and you won't have time for me. As much as you deny that, the truth hurts. Apart from the truth, seeing you hurts me. It hurts me because I know that that is one less day of our time together. September may be a long, long way away but time flies so fast when you're enjoying it. Why is life pushing us farther apart when we're just getting closer? The only reason I can think of is that life stops for no one and is not fair to anyone either. Everything happens for a reason.


What am I supposed to do, when the best part of me was you?
Till I can eat chocolate again,
Suka, xo